Words unspoken

Am currently under so much stress right now and I'm so tired, I dont feel like doing anything at all. You know, I could really use some mental support right now. If we're still together, just knowing that you're still there, its more than enough. But right now, we're living separate lives and I know I cant go to you anymore when I encounter any problems, its just so hard. Seeing you being happy with your life on one hand I'm happy for you but on the other, it kills me to know that you're fine without me. I keep restraining myself from checking out on you because I dont want to know if you've met someone else, I dont want to know that you've already moved on, I dont want to know that I've already been forgotten. I have so many things that I want to tell you, but I cant. Deep down, I really have a thing or two that I want to let you know. I wish that we could go back to the days where you'd call me after work or facetime me after gym and we could talk on the phone for hours and waiting for you to fall asleep before me. I dont think I'll ever meet anybody as great, as wise, as bold as you are. Ive been so out of place and i've lost myself throughout the way, I need to get my shit together but I seem to fail everyday. Fuck me. I've lost it all this time.

Nostalgia

3:19am and I can't sleep again. I haven't been getting a lot of  sleep for the past few weeks. I thought I was doing fine, or at least that's what I've been telling myself(I must be strong because I'm a tough cookie) but no, because yesterday, I finally broke down. I couldn't sleep and all I could think about was you and  what the fuck is going on and why the fuck am I still waiting. I broke into tears weeping like a pathetic kid  for a good 20 minutes, I haven't shed a tear in awhile  and should you know, I'm not that girl who cries over everything. I was thinking about us, about the days where we spent together happily and god did it break my heart. I don't know why this is affecting me so much because you're probably already over me, already moved on but I am still dwelling. Fuck. I am so fucking bitter. I am so broken. & I am so helpless. I try so hard everyday to laugh to be happy to at least pretend that I'm happy but when the night falls and when I'm all alone, all the heart wrenching thoughts come flooding in. It sucks to miss you when I can't tell you and it sucks to know that I don't mean anything to you anymore. But I really hope that you won't forget me so soon. I know time will wash away everything, it's been more than a week since we've broken up and day by day I'm petrified by the thought of you forgetting me. I feel  so alone and I am so afraid.

Maybe I gave you more love than your heart could take.

Definitely maybe

#nowplaying Naive - The Kooks

Not sure why but this song always makes me think of you, probably because I always play it in your car and I love hearing you sing to it. And I am really missing you alot right now.

Right now, I'm still in disbelief, so many questions, so many griefs. Why do I always fail my my relationships? Why do I keep shutting people off ? I have my walls up fully guarded right now because just when I thought I finally found someone whom I can trust and rely on, that person walked away, eventually. After having struggled with a couple of terrible past relationships, I didnt think I would meet anyone that would make me feel like I can love again until I met you. Eventhough we didn't make it as far as I thought we would, it will always be something special, something significant and something that I will always remember. I just keep pushing people away with my insecurities, probably thats why you got sick of me so fast. I will never remember the first day we met and also the following days after that, we clicked right away and I've never felt so happy in such a long, long time. Time spent with you is always never enough and I always end up feeling shitty when I've to board the train to go home alone. I didnt think I'd ever date someone I got to know from some social app, people would say that its shallow but I think its something different. Initially, I felt really intimidated because you sound so wise and confident and all I really am is just, some girl, until I got comfortable with you and you took me out on a date, that is something that I'll always reminisce about. I know I may be difficult at times, or maybe most of the time thats why I dont deserve anybody. You have always told me that you will always be there no matter what and you will learn to cope with my issues, little steps by little steps, but I guess I really did push you beyond your limits. I really dont hope that I'm just one of the passerbys in your life, giving no significant memory to you, I really dont want to be that girl that you try hard to erase off from your memory because eventhough it was short, but to me what we had was different, it was genuine. If I could, I would definitely go back in time and change whatever that I could just so that we could stay the same, stay happy.

I don't know about you but if there was a second chance, I'm pretty sure we can work things out, you know what they say, you gotta crawl before you learn how to run.

After all, I just really want to say that I'm sorry, for having you to bear with someone like me and thank you, for staying as long as you could, for as much as you can take. I love you. 

Back at square one

So here I am, again. You know its never good when I'm back at this place. Everything seems so familiar, this place, this feeling, past feelings that I've shared here. And today I am here, probably because I dont feel comfortable talking to anyone around me, or maybe I just dont have anyone that I can talk to. My heart burns and my head hurts. I dont know whats wrong or what I've done but nothing seems to feel right, nothing goes right. Is it just me or nobody is/will ever be true to you? I tried so hard, pleasing everybody but nothing that I do seems to be ever enough. Just when you think you can put all your trust in one person and the next thing you know is this one person turns out to be just like everybody else and this person is slowly leaving you too. I tried so hard, I treasured you, I may have made mistakes(everybody does) but I still treasure you. I forgave you, I took you in but right now it looks like I'm the one being left behind, being ostracized and you're enjoying every single minute of it. It feels like I'm constantly being slapped right in the face by your actions and words. I always tell myself nobody can live without anybody, I try to practice that thought and I constantly tell myself that I'd rather be alone but the truth is, I am really afraid of being alone. Its terrifying but I guess its time to learn things the hard way. People come and go, no one really stays. Just when I thought I found another person who I can rely on, then again, I was wrong. When you really have no one else to go to and you go up to this other person you thought would hold you through the bad and the ugly, this other person makes you feel like you're just a parasite, like you're sucking the shit out of its body just to survive, yeah that makes you feel pretty fucked up. So now we're back to square one, you can trust nobody but yourself but truth is sometimes I dont even trust myself. Ironic, isnt it? Haha. I feel really lost and I have lost faith, I have lost total faith in anything at all so dont tell me to take that fucking leap of faith because its all bullshit. Bullfuckingshit. There is only one thing that I can do now, which is to adapt, adapt to all these bullshit around me and apparently, I have to be OK about it. I can do that. Yup. Wish me luck.

Indifferent

Don't you always have that one moment where you feel like going to one place, this little place called comfort zone, where you can be all alone without anyone else, where you can just sit there in contemplation, where you can just enjoy the stillness in the air? That place where you just want to leave everything and everyone else behind without having to worry about anything at all. Just so you know, I'm just trying to put my state of mind in words. Though, I don't think it is ever going to happen because leaving everything behind without a sense of responsibility is not something easy to be achieved. When everything feels wrong, I just want to go to my little comfort zone and start deciding what's best for me. Does anyone feel the same?

Love,
JC

3.26am and still studying. Currently under stress at level maximum. I've been studying everyday from the moment I wake up till like 5 in the morning. I go through chapters by chapters for each subject. Each time I'm reading, say, Marketing, I feel like I can already capture those information in my head but by the time I study another subject, I feel like I dont remember shit about marketing. I'm afraid I'll forget everything during my finals next week. I'm so nervous, I cant seem to be able to remember anything, fuck this shit. I dont wanna fail any of my subjects and I really really dont want to fail. I hope my hard work will pay off man, seriously. If I study this hard and I still fail, I will.. I dont know what to do -.- Ok I'm done ranting, going back to the piles of notes now bye!

100412

 I'm sure I'm not the only one who realises that most of my blog posts are sad and glum haha. I'm sorry for those readers who feel like crap after reading my blog. (Wait, do I even have readers?) Hence, from now onwards, I will try to make my blog a happier place for my 'imaginary readers' haha. I remember I used to update my blog very frequently but as the years go by, I got lazier and I update only like once a month. Alot of things have been going on in my life like college, relationship and friendship issues and blah. Maybe I'm not much of an optimist thats why I choose to rant and let it all out here. I promise, I will try not to post any you-make-me-feel-like-killing-myself blog posts anymore :3 

Ok so anyways, as you know, most girls like taking pictures of themselves, knowingly 'camwhoring'. No idea who invented this term man. Undeniably, I'm one of them who camwhores. I love taking pictures of myself, like really self loving pictures lol. (who doesnt?) I went through my albums in my computer and phone and realized I DO have alot of pictures of myself. I noticed my looks and styles keep changing from time to time. I'm pretty sure every girl has her own little techniques of camwhoring, for e.g. you have your own special angles or special lighting at some special place and I dont know how many of you are honest about this but I suppose most girls edit their pictures? I, myself, admit that I edit my pictures. Who doesnt wanna see themselves look good in pictures? But of course, I dont edit all of them. Not like I dont look good in all of em' :p Ok I know reading is a boring thing to do so I'm gonna upload some of the pictures of myself ranging from like 2 years back till now. Hope you guys will enjoy it! 

2 years back and Lol this looks funny 

 This one confirmed edited cuz I'm not that skinny hahaha

 Just took this last weekend :) 

Thats all that I'm showing, too lazy to wait for the pictures to load and rearrange. I think my looks have changed? But one thing that did not change is my hair cuz my hair's forever long. Still dont have the guts to make a change and chop it off, meh. So, which is your favourite picture? :)

Love,

JC