ok so right now I'm sitting here in my room alone, sulking and thinking about all the shitty things in my life. i'm always depressed, always moody, always feeling dejected and such. what the fuck is wrong with me seriously? its always about relationships, fuck. my life is not all about relationships but when am i gonna get that shit outta my head? all these things just come to me automatically. i'm a person too affectionate but not committed enough in a relationship. what do i really want? i need to stop falling for all the wrong people, people who i barely even know. i'm a sucker for heart messers. i never failed to get myself in deep shit and frustration and embarrassment. right now, i'm just going towards the wrong direction, wrong person. someone who doesnt even give a damn, someone who just talks to me when he's bored, no wait. everyone talks to me only when they're bored. yeah its pretty sucky. i'm not gonna let my life go on like this anymore. i'm gonna set my priorities straight at this very moment and forget about all those minor shiz. i'm gonna stop thinking about you or anyone at all. lets just keep a distance between us, just so i can stop having crazy thoughts about you when nothing has ever even happened between us. second day of college tomorrow, time to get my head in the game and concentrate.

'if you dont daydream, you wont go bonkers.'

Love,

J

Last night







Stop mindfucking me.


Love,
J

just got back from the club
fuck tonight, srsly, fuck tonight
fuck myself for thinking so much motherfuck

bye

Can I dream a little dream about you?

No expectations, no hopes, no nothing. I know where I stand.

I'm having my moodswing now. Period.

kthxbye

Heat

Its so super hot here in kampar its crazy. Went to college today to get my timetable and to check out where the classes are. There are 11 blocks and thank god each block is just withing walking distance to another. There are printings on the notice board and something caught my eye.

Rules and regulations : No tongue studs or tattooes are allowed

Fuck I'm doomed hahaha. Its not like I give two damns about it though. This reminds me of those days during my highschool years. I never really cared even if I get caught breaking rules. That doesnt mean I'm not a good student, right?

THERE ARE NO HOT GUYS/GIRLS IN COLLEGE. NIL. NONE.

THERE ARE NO HOT GUYS/GIRLS IN COLLEGE. NIL. NONE.

That explains it all, other than attending boring lecture classes and having boring food in the canteen, there wont be anything interesting to be explored in college. I'm probably the next most-interesting-thang next-most-interesting-thangnin my batch hahahah. Jokes!

Anyways, here are some old photos that I found, good memories. Enjoy!

Suiee (:

Drunktard

Anniebooooo

I think I look pretty cute here ;]

Love,

J

Lovel

J

Orientation

Dragged myself out of bed at 6 this morning, took a shower, dressed up and walked to the bus stop with ma roommies this morning. It was dreadful to wake up at 6 because I slept at 4am so practically I only slept for two hours. We reached college at 8 and there was already a small crowd scattered everywhere outside the heritage hall. We got ourselves registered and damn the queue was so long I wanted to runaway. We were taken on a tour around college after that and we had to WALK under the scorching sun, daymn. It was tolerable though. It was an exhausting day and I swear I got darker.

In the bus :)

:)/:D/:O

Love,

J

Dot

I am a very emotional person on the inside but on every other day, I put a smile on my face. Sometimes I think its better to enjoy the little joy of life than to sulk and rant endlessly everyday, no?

Anyways, I finally moved into my hostel in Kampar. The weather here is scorching hot and I'm practically covered in sweat no matter how many times I shower. Its.. pretty sad. Oh well, the bright side of it is that I finally get to have my own space and freedom. Two things that I've always been asking for. I need to be alone, to think about alot of things. How to deal with this and that, yada yada.. Orientation starts tmrw, at 8 in the morning and I have to catch the bus at 7.20. I pray pray pray that I'll be able to wake up in time to make it. If anyone's nice enough to wake me up tmrw morning, give me a morning call at 6a.m. thank you :) I hope everything goes fine tmrw and right now I'm still thinking of what to wear! Hahaha vain as always, I know.

Now, I'm staying in a twin sharing room all by myself because my roomie found a better place to stay. Its pretty cool though because I get double the space, double of everything by paying for the price of one. I hope this continues for long and no one moves in. I enjoy being all by myself in my cozy little room. Besides, I have two friends staying in the room next to mine and its fun having them around. They come to my room and mess around so I'm not that lonely after all :)

I have a current obsession lately and I cant get my mind off it.

Its pretty, isnt it?

Love,

J

The end of it

You never failed to hurt me with your words, in or out of the relationship. I'm just so exhausted, with this whole thing. I can't wait to leave this place, this shithole and start off fresh. I just want to leave and never come back. I cant handle any of this anymore. We will probably be locked with conflicts but give me a break, why dont you?

Right now, I just wanna break down and cry and leave.

I will not hate you, insult you, screw you in the face, insinuate you or such, because I know how it feels. I'm tired. This will be the last post about you and I will go be happy, I swear. I never regretted the relationship, never regretted liking you, never regretted knowing you.

From now on, I will strive for my own happiness and leave out all the rest.

Love,
J

Shit happens again and again. I'm so sick of it seriously and there's nothing that I can/want to say anymore.

Give me a goddamn break, give me my life back.

I want to be on my own now, with nobody else along the goddamn road.

Fuck you, fuck everyone else, fuck the world.

My life is a joke.

I just wanna cry everyday and drown myself in my pool of tears to death. Now all of you can have a good laugh about me, go on.

There is only one word that can describe what I'm feeling inside right now. Not hate, not anger, not dissatisfaction but - sad. Why, why did things have to turn out this way. I never wanted this day to come. There's not even a point saying all these right now because there's only hatred and anger in you and I do not wish to provoke you anymore. I just want you, YOU, back. As a being, as a someone. Thats all I want to say, hate me all you want.

I'm sorry.

Love,
J

Who am I kidding, I can never bring myself to hate you.

Love,

C

Grow the fuck up.

The pain is intensifying.

I AM GOING TO FORGET ABOUT YOU, RIGHT NOW, AT THIS VERY MOMENT.

Unpredictable, the first thought.

What has gotten into your head? What happened to that person that I was head over heels for? The one that I met 9 months ago? Right now, every word that comes out from your mouth petrifies me. Your every word send a chill down my spine. You gave me this new fear, fear of talking to you. You never failed to hurt me with your words, your actions, your everything. Why, why do you have to do this? I gave you chances, again and again but you never appreciated it. All you want is to WIN, to retaliate, to make me feel miserable. Its fine, I'll just let you talk or say whatever you want because talk is cheap. I've tolerated enough. You MADE me shut you off and you have to stay out of my life, for my own protection. I have to set my guards up. I have zero tolerance for you and your shit. You asked for this. I'm done with this shit kthanksbye.

Love,
J

This is for you

Of those days when I was still yours, you've never really done anything or spoken up for me when I was picked on, by whoever. In other words, you've never done your part in offering your protection. I was just living in denial, telling lying to myself that you did. Winning is what matters the most to you. You never failed to want to win. Even for now. I keep getting the blame as always eventhough I've been keeping quite all along trying to avoid all thsese from happening, I'll just get random attacks from you. What do you want from me..? Its fine if you never intended to side me or back me up but I really hope that you wouldnt be one of them, who will pick on me or dramatize my life. I want to leave a good image, a good impression of you in my head. Thats all I'm asking for so please, stop doing what you've always been doing. I dont want you out of my head. I'm begging you, literally. Give me a buzz, if you ever read this and let me know if you're gonna help me in this. Thank you.


Love,
J

Close that door, for it wont open for you anymore

I need to stop reminiscing about the past, seriously. My head hurts thinking about things, about how messed up my life is, about how fucked up things are. I really wish I could turn back time, to where I was.. 15. I wish I never met any of you. Then, I wouldnt have hurt any of you like I did. I just wanna live a normal life without any frustrations, I guess everyone else wants that too but its not gonna happen. I'm so sick of.. my life. I think I feel you now. That same agony you were in. I'm the weakling now. This chapter of my life will never end and its always gonna be ugly. I'm sick of the insinuations and accusations. I'm too tired to defend myself, too helpless.

Will you catch me, if I fall? I've fallen so hard on my head and got my knees scratched. I have bruises all over. I need you, to heal the bruises.

Lets just leave the words unspoken . Its probably better that way or perhaps, the business is meant to be left undone.

Love,
J

7/05/2011

'Don't fucking care about me okay. Just dont talk to me. I dont give a shit about you. Bye.'

You've said it.

I cant bring myself to say those 4 words, if I dont mean it. One day, you'll realise.
And I'm sorry.

Love,
J

What the hell, am I doing with my life?

I have not, the slightest idea. College's starting in about 2 weeks and I havent even started preparing for it yet. The excitement's suddenly not there anymore, it feels like it doesnt bother me much cause I'm just leaving this shithole, to another shithole place. Great. I feel lifeless to the max right now because I stopped working and all I do is rot at home every single day. Nice, no?

I think about how lifeless I am every single day and I rant about it. Everything's a mess, not exactly everything but yeah. I single-handedly ruined someone else's life and I know I can do nothing to make it up to that person. I never thought that this day would actually come. You and me, gone. Feelings fade, thats all I can say. We're grown ups. We move on, get over it and be friends again. Is it that hard, really? It breaks my heart to see you being like this - depressed, broken and lost. I tried to ignore you and be cold towards you just so you would forget about me but I guess it doesnt work out the way I wanted it to be. I think of us once in awhile, just to feel better about you and I. You always think you're just a choice, a second choice but you're wrong. You're always gonna be on top of my list, whether we'll still be friends or not. I'll still be here, for you. I'm gonna forget about all the things that you and I did, but I'll never forget about us. Its not gonna happen so stop asking me to forget about you. Maybe its better that we stopped talking for now.

I'm sorry for everything and I hope you'll think of me when you read this.