Sanity

The most destructive unjust deed to one's self revolves around three vices : lying, breaking a promise and betraying a trust.

Repentance is the way to go. The person should be forgiven if his/her sincerity is shown in the apology not forgetting, determination in wanting to get you back. Talking in the sense of a relationship, friendship and so on. Repetition on the other hand means digging your own damn grave. Let me project a situation here for better understanding. Can you imagine the person you love, cheats on you but at the same time tells you how much he/she loves you. In this case, its a she. Imagine the disappointment and betrayal that hits you in the face, its inexplicable. If you love this person so fucking much, would you bear to torment and watch this person hurt to bits and pieces? Its too bad that people who make mistakes, they dont really or should I say, they dont realise their mistakes. They'll put the blame on the others instead. I've been through all these and trust me, I know how it feels. The agony. The feeling of getting betrayed by the person you love the most only sums up to one word : excruciation.

'People change, as much as most of us despise it, people are influenced by others and their surrounding environment. Nobody likes it but its human nature.'

I need my sanity back. I need to learn how to live happily without you. I would not retaliate like how you always do and I will not take revenge on you just to 'get even'. Thats because I know how it feels. You're like a diabolical criminal in relationships. This thing called Love, is something that I will never be able to comprehend. For the time being, I'll wash away the current images of you in making my life a living hell and just remain the great memories that you once gave me, 8 months ago. Reminiscing the good memories once in a bloue moon would be good because hanging onto it solemnly would just be plain unhealthy. I would not say I loved the wrong person but I reckon it might be a mistake, to the both of us. This doesnt mean that I'm regretting it because I did not regret a single minute of the relationship I just hated the latter part of it. There was a possibility to the future that we both saw, but you single-handedly ruined it. Just because I dont tell you that I love you, it doesnt that I stopped loving you. Its because of the insecurities that you give me, the trust that you betrayed, hence, stop assuming. After all these mess that you've made, you cant blame me for loving you less because you vaunted your 'other relationship' in my face. Should I give my full affection to a person who left me, for another person? You toyed with my feelings and I just cant afford to give myself a reason to forgive you anymore because I've given you so many chances that I feel so worthless, so helpless, so.. pathetic. When will you ever start to realise all this? Perhaps, you never will. Right now I'm telling you, you won this relationship. I dont want to fight anymore, I'm moving on.

I did not stop loving you but I think I probably should. You're never gonna be the one that I knew, anymore.

Love,
J

Tuesday

I am exhausted, with work. & I realised I'm never full, no matter how much I eat which means I'm hungry 24/7. That, is not a good thing. I only consume like one meal a day, a substantial one, not including other junks and titbits. Shiz I have to , must cut down on my diet. For real this time. I've to resist myself from the mouthwatering delicacies. Anyways, other than serving the customers and doing my part of the job, I spend most on my time sitting, daydreaming away and this is where I came to a realisation that; I miss my friends. There have been alot of issues going on before this, complicated much, yes but still, they were part of my life before everyone left to lead their own lives. All of us are scattered around different places now. We had such great memories, such great times together and I will never forget any part of it. The good or the bad. We've been through alot together and no matter what, the memories will not fade away just like that. Some of us might not even be friends right now but I guess time will heal? I hope it will. What happened, happened and nothing can be turned back, nothing can be changed. I'm sorry, for things that I've done wrong, for the words hurtfully spoken and actions that disappointed you guys. I'm truly sorry and thank you for leading me to the right away, all of you. So yeah, I love you guys. To any of you who is reading this, I hope you're coping well with whatever that you're doing and give me a buzz, for updates or so. Its been too long.

With love,

J

Monday

Okay so I went to check my college out in kampar today and to my surprise it looks pretty nice. There were numerous cars scattered around/outside/inside the college. Students these days are so lucky to have their own cars. The maintenance and facilities of the college are pretty impressive. The little hostels look sort of cozy and the security is good. I was really reluctant when my mum made me enrol for Utar but I guess its not that bad afterall. Now all I need is a place to stay and roommates that I can get along well with. Looking forward to meeting new friends there.

Life's been hard on me these days. I just wanna start off fresh when I leave for college. Leave all the dramas behind, fall out of love and study hard for my degree. Its quite impossible, I know but ignorance is bliss, no? I've been through hell and I've lost many people around me. Been lied to and cheated on that I've totally lost faith in believing. Trust; a word that I will never digest down my system. It has lost its meaning because people just HAVE to misuse the word. To you, you tried to defy me to not trust you anymore and there you go, you got it. You made my life a living hell, you came back to me and you ruined my life once again and no you want me to trust you? I'm afraid thats not gonna happen. You're contradicting yourself, repeatingly. So what's the point of apologising when you know, deep inside, that you're gonna hurt me again? Words matter alot, so don't tell me that 'I'm just saying it, they're just words.' You dont know how much words can hurt, at times. There was a crack, yes but I tried to mend it and I did. You, on the other hand, tore it apart. You blew your chances. You made me leave.

& I can't believe that after all the lying and cheating, I still tried to give myself excuses to let you in, to forgive you but no, its all etched inside my head, every living evidence that I saw. The pain is so intensifying, its crazy.

Never have I thought this day would come. Right now, I'm only waiting for times to pass because time will heal.

Karma?

I never believed in karma till now, I HAVE to believe it because its biting me in the ass right now.

I had the happiest moments in my life in about seven months ago, when I met someone. Someone who meant and still means so much to me. You, S. You make me feel that my life doesnt really suck, for once. We've had so may memories, so many songs, so many fights and we shed so many tears, for each other. Everything was so right, you fit me so right. Then, I fucked it. I'm sorry, for giving what we had a crack. Its my fault and I tried so hard to make it up to you. I tried to mend it till its finally over now, its your turn to fuck me over with what you're doing.

You hurt me with your actions and words every single day. You hurt me with your actions, publicly. I tried so hard to stay away. I tried so hard to back off. All I get is sarcasm and I'm always the one to be blamed. I'm not mad, really. I just really hope that you'll realise what you're doing to me because till now, you're still in denial. I really want you back, but not the current you and you know that. You're not the one I met seven months ago anymore. What happened to you? Come back.. I practically begged you, to do what you're supposed to do but you didnt. It was such an easy task and you didnt even wanna do it. You'd rather watch me hurt, in every way. Is it really that hard? I just don't see any effort in you wanting to get me back in your life.

I'm so tired, so worked out that I feel numb. Empty. So full of nothing. I can practically predict what you're gonna say to me because you tell me the same thing every single day. Do you actually know or care how I feel? The lies and betrayal.. I feel lied to and cheated on. All I hope for is you to realise what you're doing to me right now is really taking me to the end.. I just want you to feel for me, for once. I never expected the both of us to end this way. Apart from that, you've always loved me for who I am. You cared for me more than you cared for yourself. You'll never do anything, anything at all if you know it'll hurt me. I was once your priority. But all these only happened seven months ago. You're already gone now..

And baby, she's tearing us apart. Do you not see it yet?

But then again, its just a feeling.