Scars

Communication is indeed, a very vital process between two people or maybe more but now, I'm gonna be concentrating on interpersonal communication. It is so hard, to live with someone who you can hardly communicate with that you love. It is hard because it hurts, it hurts to know that the person you love doesn't have the same mindset or opinions as you, most of the time. Is it that important to be holding grudges against each other just to prove one of them is on the wrong? For me, I'd rather just suck it up and let it go. But I've come to a realization that it isn't just about me, it is about both sides of the party. It still will not work if one of them has a high level of tolerance because it is a two-way-thing. Things will only work if both of them are willing to take a step back and talk it out peacefully instead of just lashing harsh words at each other. I've been experiencing this for quite sometime and I'm really stubborn on this because I stand on my point that everything will work out if I keep tolerating but no, things proved me wrong. It pains me to see that our relationship has come this bad. It is not bad in the sense that we don't love each other anymore. The thing is, the feelings are still very much there but I really don't know if it is really my problem, as you said it is because it occurred to me that it it ALWAYS me. I've evaluated myself and looked myself in the mirror and yes, I might have issues, but who doesn't? At least I took the chance to try to change myself, I really did, but you just don't see it. You're still not satisfied with me and all the shoutings really etched my heart. I cry myself to sleep every night reminiscing those days when we started dating, things were perfectly fine. Never will I forget the day we met, we talked like there's no tomorrow and rightaway I knew you were the one that could make me happy. I love you, so much that I still have that willpower -whatsoever they call it, to patch things up and hold on to this relationship. I honestly think I have done the best that I can to make you happy. Till now, I still have the same, numerous questions in my head. Do you still love me like how I love you? Do I really make your life that terrible? Is it my problem or is it yours? I did not, do not and will not have any intention to end this relationship because I still believe in us. I hope you will spend sometime and think about this, think about yourself and evaluate. I don't hope that history will repeat itself. Before you get mad or immediately think it is my fault again, sit back, take a breath and think about things. Things will be fine if we want it to be, it all depends on us, no? I don't wanna do this alone but the question is, are you in this with me?

Is it me, or my life is just always fucked?

Love,
JC

I feel like as if I've died, on the inside. I dont know what to feel anymore.

Its been awhile, I know.

Happiness doesn't last, does it? It is always something temporary, at-the-moment and when the moment is gone, all you can do is just reminisce the good times as if the bad never existed. I've had my happy moments. What I hate most is, changes. Everything changes, eventually. My relationship has been great, but it was greater. I've always liked the moment you have just met someone, when there are still awkward moments, politeness and so on. As time passes, you get closer with that person and things will change because you are used to having that person around. You are so close to that person that you tend to ignore the courtesy that once existed. Sometimes, I just feel like being alone in my room, with the music on. Just me and me alone. 


A lover, a leaver, just like hit-and-run.


Love,
JC

alive;

I'm only human, I'm not at all perfect and again, I'm only human. I have my own life and I never had the thought of letting anyone cage me and make me do things that I hate. I dont need someone to change me, I enjoy being myself and right now, I feel like someone's chocking me in the throat. All the pressure around me is taking me down. I'm on the verge of giving up because I cannot afford to handle so many changes in a small period of time. I dont want anyone to have the intention of trying to change me.

I only need someone to love me for who I am.


Love,
JC

friday

its raining right now and I love the weather, so cooling and refreshing. I'm heading back to ipoh in about an hour then I've to rush over to shenmun's place right after I reached because we have to complete our assignment that's due next week. anyways, boyf just left my place and I'm missing him already. he's having his midterm tmrw and no joke, the fella studies like crazy that I feel so intimidated lol. he's intelligent and hardworking and persistent in everything that he does, totally so not me. its a good thing though cuz he can motivate me and make me smarter, i hope haha. i love him, no doubt. he treats me like a baby and he bullies me all the time. he calls me fat, gives me all kinds of nicknames but i dont care, he's so fucken cute to the max and he loves me just the way i am :3 he's trying his best to quit smoking just for me, he hasnt completely quit smoking but he has already cut down alot and I can see his effort. he's really sweet. i know its annoying that I keep talking about me boyf but I just had to :p he's the best.

ily ♥

Love,

JC

back to black ;

I have been wanting to dye my hair black since months ago but I was too lazy to drag myself all the way to the salon and keep my but glued to the chair for hours but I finally did it. I dyed my hair jet black last weekend and no shit I love my hair nao. Black iz le in thing nao. I look so different with black hair, eventhough my complexion doesnt look as fair already but at least I have one less thing to worry about : newly grown black roots. I always get very frustrated whenever new hair starts to grow leading to two different tone of colours on my hair, it makes me looks so.. yuck. I iz very satisfied with me new hair nao :3

from brown 

to jet black

Which do you like better? 

Love,

JC

Ok so I've been going out every single weekend whenever I'm back from kampar. I'm fucking broke like nobody's business. I spend too much on clothes and body art, no joke. I need to start saving from now on, to buy more clothes. Ironic, I know. I have been very depressed about being broke and fat. I'm fat and I'm broke what the fuck. Seriously, SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO BE FUCKIN SKINNY. I know I'm not like overweight or something but I'm bulgy and I hate it. Oh and thats not the worst yet, the worst is that I'm surrounded by skinny people. All my friends are like stick-thin, the figure that I've always longed for. People always tell me 'You look fine!' 'You're not fat dont be silly!' but no, seriously, I need to lose le fats. Okay imma stop ranting about my weight. I shall go starve myself naoz kthxbye.

I care too much about how I look its driving me crazy.

 I need to stop.

Love,

JC